Grumbling
by Ginger Anastase
Summary: Oneshot: "Your normally quite devoid of course language for a twenty year old girl, why the swearing, Valkyrie?" "You try being pregnant and you will understand," she grumbled.


**Warning: Some bad language and sex references .**

**Okay, so this plot bunny was never going to leave me alone so have fun with it. By the way, if you think that this should be rated M because of Valkyrie's use of language then tell me and I'll rate it up. It is only one time but I don't want to offend anyone.**

"Every breath you take, every move you make, every bond you break, every step you take, I'll be watching you," The Police sang on the radio.

"Fucking stalkers!" Valkyrie shouted, throwing her hairbrush at the offending speakers.

"Valkyrie!" Skulduggery chided, "Your foul language upsets my delicate ears."

"You don't have any ears."

"That's beside the point."

This, at least, made her laugh. The chuckle was short-lived and dry but it was there all the same. Her expression went back to being pouty and sulky afterwards but that was as besides the point as Skulduggery's lack of ears.

Skulduggery folded his newspaper back up; funnily enough he wasn't interested in reading about the problems with today's politics, and wandered over to the kitchen where Valkyrie was making coffee for herself.

"There's something wrong with you. I mean, apart from the world-destroyer alternate personality and your blatant disregard for other peoples hats," he said pointedly, "Your normally quite devoid of course language for a twenty year old girl, why the swearing?"

Valkyrie raised an eyebrow at him. "I'm just in a bad mood."

He leaned against the counter. "And why would that be?"

"You try being pregnant and _you_ will understand," she grumbled.

Skulduggery shrugged. "There are two things wrong with that sentence but from the 'I'm going to kill you' look on your face, I'll be shutting up now."

Valkyrie nodded approvingly at his choice and returned to stirring her coffee.

"Is it because you're getting fat?" he asked.

Valkyrie glowered at him then looked down at the visible bulge beneath her vest-top.

"Insult my size one more time and I will most certainly make sure that you are incinerated in one to three minutes," she bit.

"I am definitely never going to insult your weight ever again."

"Again, I approve of the direction you are taking."

Valkyrie took a sip of coffee, flinching as it scorched her tongue.

"Yeah, I'm going to let that cool down."

Skulduggery made to go back into the living room but turned around as another punch-worthy idea sprang to mind.

"Is your gynaecologist evil?"

Valkyrie spluttered and chuckled again. "No. Believe me, if my gynaecologist was evil, he would be going nowhere near my –"

"I beg you not to finish that sentence," Skulduggery interrupted.

She grinned and began tying her hair back. "Now that I've made you suitably uncomfortable," she said, "I am going to take my coffee and lie down on the sofa."

"But I was sitting on the sofa," Skulduggery whined.

"And now you're not."

Skulduggery huffed and followed her back into the living room.

"I still haven't figured out what's wrong with you," he stated.

"Nothing's wrong with me. My hormones are just messing with me," she replied, turning on the television.

Skulduggery tilted his head. "I guess that could be the reason but it's not, is it?"

"Nope."

"Then what is wrong with you?"

Valkyrie sighed and took another gulp of coffee.

"I suppose I'm just a little disappointed in myself."

"Now, why would you say that, Valkyrie?" he asked gently.

She sighed again and busied herself with changing the channel. "I mean, I didn't exactly get pregnant on purpose, did I?"

"No. You met the guy in a bar and you were drunker than Dexter at his bachelor party, and I wasn't there to take you home so -"

"Skulduggery, I know what happened, I was there."

He shrugged. "True but I don't understand why you're being disappointed in yourself."

She fiddled with her ponytail. "I'm twenty, Skul. I know girls have children when their younger but, I guess this just didn't fit into my plan."

"And what was your plan?" he asked, genuinely interested.

"Well, it was to meet someone who I could spend my life with and then maybe have children not get pregnant by a guy in the backseat of a car and never see him again because he's an insufferable dickhead."

Skulduggery processed the information. "Okay, I'm going to ignore the bit about the backseat of a car."

"Good call."

"You shouldn't be disappointed in yourself, though. You won't see this as a mistake when you have a daughter or son."

"Yeah, you're right," she conceded.

Skulduggery picked up the newspaper again, avoiding the bits about politics.

"Either that or you could go back in time and use contraception, you drunken vandal."

She threw a cushion at him.

"You try being that drunk, you're thinking about little more than tequila."

Skulduggery's shoulders sagged. "Valkyrie, you've already told me that I should try being pregnant today, it's a little too much to take on board."

"You'll get another cushion in your face if you're not careful."

"I'm aware but funnily enough cushions are not weapons of mass destruction."

Valkyrie looked down at her small bump. "I bet this baby will be."

"No it won't."

She scoffed. "Oh come on, it's half me, of course it will be."

"Yes but it is also half, and I quote, 'insufferable dickhead'," he pointed out.

"Shut up. You're depressing me more than the other stuff."

"Really, what else is depressing you?" he inquired.

Valkyrie sat up. "It's going to hurt like hell to get this baby out of me."

"You never know, it might not be that bad."

She raised her eyebrows. "Okay, you don't have female anatomy, you have no opinion."

"Valkyrie, I don't have any anatomy."

"We are not having this conversation again."

"Okay."

Valkyrie smirked and drummed her fingers on her belly.

"I wonder what I should call it," she mused.

"Skulduggery."

"No," she said firmly.

"Okay, fine… Felix."

Valkyrie rolled her eyes. "No, I'm not naming my child…hey, that's not a bad name. Why Felix?"

Skulduggery shrugged. "It was my given name."

"Really? Huh, I always thought you were more of a… Sven."

He looked over his newspaper. "Sven?" he asked incredulously.

"Yeah, or a… Anthony."

Skulduggery shook his head and decided to move to another subject. "And what if it's a girl?"

"I was going to name it Anastasia but since that's the name of the girl in Fifty Shades of Grey, I've been put off."

"Yeah, I didn't enjoy that book."

Valkyrie grinned. "You read it?"

"I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about."

"And?"

"Meh," he said decidedly.

Valkyrie smirked. "I think now I'll probably name her something French."

Skulduggery put his newspaper down.

"Like what?"

Valkyrie chewed on her lip in thought. "I don't know. I like the name Genevieve but I'd prefer something simpler."

They were silent for a moment, names running through their heads too fast to function.

"Juliette," Valkyrie decided.

"That's pretty," approved Skulduggery.

Valkyrie realised what situation she was in and smiled. "Aw, this is cute, us picking names for my unborn child," she teased.

"Shut up."

"Are you going to come to my Lamaze class too?"

"No, that's Tanith's job."

Valkyrie chuckled. "Oh yeah, I forgot that Tanith is the father of my baby."

"Yeah, and neither am I."

She winked. "How do you know?"

Skulduggery sighed. "I thought we weren't going to have the conversation about my anatomy or the lack thereof."

"No we're not. It's just fun to tease you."

Skulduggery laughed. "I try to be entertaining."

Valkyrie took another sip of her now warm coffee and smiled fondly.

"See, this is why you're my best friend. You put up with all my pregnant stuff as well as my constant teasing, flirting and whining. This is what our friendship is based on."

"Pregnant stuff, teasing, flirting and whining?"

"Yep."

"Sounds about right."

…**And my plot bunny is fed. Hope you enjoyed it x**


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